Books on bOObs: A Guide to Your Girls

Kristen Louise can tell you a thing or two about weight gain — and loss. She’s on a mission to fight the flab, and writes an hilarious blog on the subject: Fat is Not the New Forty. In this post, she tackles good and bad boob behavior:

I’ve had a lot of time to think about boobs while I’ve been ordered to take it easy the past few days healing my back. All I can see from my horizontal position on the couch are boobs. More specifically, mine. Okay, I can see through the valley of cleavage to watch mindless, boring daytime TV but mostly I see boobs. One of my favorite gal pals and fellow boobs’ owner, Elisabeth Dale, wrote a book all about boobs appropriately titled, bOObs: A Guide to Your Girls. People always gravitate to this book on my crowded book shelves. I wonder why…

While some people complain that the boobs are the first to go when they diet, I am relieved. I am not complaining about being blessed with gigantic jugs, I’m just saying it is easier to wear clothes when my melons are more manageable.

You haters and complainers with small boobs can quit yer whining.  If you need more ta-da in your ta-ta’s just slip into something padded, molded or gel enhanced. Stop wondering about Wonderbras and put one on!

To ensure your girls look their very best, take the time to be properly fitted by a bra expert. I didn’t say some teenager working at Victoria’s Secret, I said bra “expert”. Besides, I think we can all plainly see that Vickie has no secrets. Go to an upscale department store and bare it all to a professional saleswoman who has seen it all. Try on every bra in the store if you have to. Yes, matching panties are a must.

You will more than likely learn that your ratty, stretched-out, favorite bra is completely the wrong size and doing nothing for your knockers. Words like “snug” and “tight” will be used during your fitting. If your bra band slides around your body like a freaking hula hoop, it is not tight enough. Unless the only place you plan to see this lovely, lacey brassiere is around the bedpost, buy a smaller band size! Nuff sed.

Elisabeth says the word on the street is that “E” is the new “C”. If your rack is real, you get what you get but for those of you who want to super size your girls, just add this effective new move to your upper body work out, a boob exercise known as the “push up” bra.

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For a truly entertaining and creative display of breasts, don’t miss Breasts of the Northwest II: Return of the Ta-Tas, at Lowell Art Works in Everett, Washington.  The show opens November 15th and runs through December 20th.  What better way to wish someone an uplifting holiday season than to give them the gift of boob art? 

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It’s Tuesday, I’m bored, and the Urban Pixie sent me this great little link. Go ahead, get random and name your girls. (Mine were Mork and Mindy.)

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Some might enjoy waxing spherically to the John Mayer song, “Gravity,” with just a minor change in the lyrics. The following is offered with sincere apologies to Mr. Mayer and respect for his artistry, but also assuming (correctly, I hope) that he greatly admires all boobs.

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Please welcome to the world the cover for my book, available this October from Seal Press. Give it up for my girls, please!

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Ever thought about twirling your girls in a pair of pasties? I hadn’t, until researching “all things boob” for my book. I’d heard burlesque theater was making a comeback, and noted its influence in new styles at this summer’s Lingerie Americas trade show in NYC. What I didn’t know is that Seattle is home to Ms. Indigo Blue and her Academy of Burlesque. Ms. Indigo offers a two-hour tassel twirling class to any boob-owner willing to give it a try. That’s where your ever-inquisitive bOOb Lady found herself a couple of weeks ago; taking her own girls out for a spin along with 20 other delightful (and delighted) women.

On a sunny Saturday afternoon, our mostly unknown-to-one-another group arrived at Ms. Indigo’s studio. We picked out pasties from Twirlygirl.net, if we hadn’t brought along our own. (They come in small, medium, and large, just like us!)  Then we sat down to learn: how to identify a quality tassel; which adhesives work best; how to place the pasties to both enhance and/or detract from any personal flaws; how to take them off without pain; and, finally…ta-ta…how to give ‘em a spin. 

Standing in a room full of mirrors, I wondered if I’d be the first to flunk the class. I’m not physically coordinated or athletic; I wasn’t sure my girls were the proper size or had the lift to do the job. But there’s more than one way to twirl a tassel. You can shimmy, shake, bounce on your toes, lean to one side or another, or grab a breast and twirl it on its own. Each move results in a different circular motion. Turns out, it wasn’t much of a challenge to get them going in opposite directions, although you needed concentration and control to keep up the momentum. With our nipples fully covered (a la Janet Jackson), we didn’t even feel exposed.

Within a few minutes, the room was filled with giggling and loud laughter. We quickly applauded those who mastered a move, and encouraged others still trying. We represented a wide array of ages, sizes, and shapes.  By the end of class, I was sticky with sweat and spirit gum. One woman turned to me to say she needed to rush home to nurse her 4-month old. Another was celebrating her birthday with a trio of friends. Many of us were in awe of the professionals who do this for a living. One thing we all left with: a renewed sense of pride in our girls. 

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